“My favourite thing about playgroup is that we all have very different lived experiences and come from very different backgrounds, but we are connected through this one small thing (being rainbow families), and somehow that makes us like one huge family.”
After making the move to Melbourne when they were 19, Melissa Carter considers themselves a Melbournite these days. As we do, we grow into our landscapes and the changes that occur in them.
Melissa had a baby in lockdown at age 32. While they have not experienced the dawning of childbirth in any other way, the early days were incredibly challenging for Melissa. Melissa’s son was born early and spent the first weeks of his life in special care. Melissa’s family did what they could from afar (Adelaide), but Melissa said, “Having no village around us felt hard.”
“At some point along the way I developed post-natal depression, but not being able to leave the house or see anybody, I didn’t recognise this until far too late, and by then there were no longer any new parent supports available, and it had an irreparable impact on my marriage.”
Melissa had spent a very long time dreaming of having a baby and they said it turned out to be so much different to how they hoped it would be.
Yet, the seasons of Melissa’s life shifted, they leaned into their role as a parent and what grew from that was more love, play, connection and the attainment of new meaning.
Along the way, Melissa found a rainbow playgroup, and while it was daunting to join a new group, they quickly felt like they had found a community.
“I knew I wanted to connect with other queer parents, so as soon as lockdown ended we started attending. I’m pretty sure we went the first week that it was back on after lockdown!”
We spoke with Melissa to gain further insight into their lived experience as a rainbow parent and how it was that playgroup supported their family, providing great joy, acceptance, belonging and a base, on which Melissa and their child could source comfort- and continue to strengthen their bond and make lasting memories together.
What has your rainbow playgroup experience been like? What do you enjoy most about connecting with your community playgroup?
My experience with the rainbow playgroup has been wonderful. I love that we have a space where we can all be ourselves without fear of judgement or having to censor ourselves from people who may not understand. I was very nervous when I first started attending, I’m pretty shy and awkward, but I felt like everyone there was so welcoming and went out of their way to make me feel at ease. There have been a group of us with children around the same age who have been attending right from when I started going. Our little ones have grown up together and play like siblings.
I think the thing that I enjoy most is being able to openly discuss our challenges, specifically as rainbow parents. There are some aspects of our parenting journey that are unique to us, like how to deal with Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, how to navigate pronouns etc and we will often hash these things out while our children play.
For those who are unsure, how do you describe what a rainbow playgroup is? What are your values? What makes the rainbow playgroup unique?
“These playgroups are for LGBTIQA+ parents and unpaid carers (permanent, foster, kinship) and their preschool aged children.”
For me the rainbow playgroup is a space to connect with parents who share like-minded values and similar life experiences, where my little one gets to see and experience friendships with other families like his. I would say that our values are kindness, openness and community care.
My favourite thing about playgroup is that we all have very different lived experiences and come from very different backgrounds, but we are connected through this one small thing (being rainbow families), and somehow that makes us like one huge family.
In what ways has playgroup helped to support you on your parenting journey?
“Playgroup has been a bit of a lifeline for me.”
When I was deep in the throes of postnatal depression and my marriage ending, sometimes it felt like going to playgroup was what kept me going. A small moment of reprieve at a time when I was feeling very desperate! I felt like the rainbow parent community wrapped their arms around me (probably without even realising) and gave me somewhere safe to vent my frustration and also give me a break, where my little one could run wild and I knew there were eyes on him if I needed to step away for a moment, and who didn’t bat an eye at our chaos!
Now that things have settled down a bit we still love to go just to see our friends. It is a place where I can ask parenting questions and advice without fear of judgement. Some aspects of parenting don’t particularly come naturally to me, but there are so many parents at playgroup who I admire and I feel like just watching the way that they parent and using those strategies with my little one has helped us so much.
I also do not have a lot of support around me – my family are in another state, and I do not have many friends, so the playgroup community have become my village, and it is like that for a few of us.
In what ways has playgroup had a positive influence on your child?
I think just being around families that are not your standard heterosexual nuclear family helps. My little one has known from a very young age that families can come in all different shapes and sizes and it has never occurred to him that some people don’t understand this, or see some families as more valid than others. I would say that gender exploration and a lack of gender stereotyping is one of the main influences that playgroup has had on him. He knows that there is no such thing as “girl things or boy things” (although this has come up as an issue lately as he is hearing otherwise out in the world!). He knows that gender is made up and we are all free to be who we are.
Has playgroup helped to strengthen your relationship with your child?
Absolutely! I think that playgroup helps me to effortlessly connect with Ezra. It helps with my mental health, which definitely makes parenting easier.
What do you love about being a parent? What has parenthood gifted to you?
I knew from a very young age that I wanted to be a parent, and while my current parenting journey looks nothing like how I ever imagined, I wouldn’t have it any other way! Even during the hard days, my child brings so much light to the world. I often feel a little bit lost in life, but parenthood is the one thing I know I was meant to do. Getting the opportunity to help shape a little person into a fully functioning grown up is not something I take lightly and I feel so grateful to have the opportunity to do it.
“In my everyday life I am not a very confident person, and I am never very sure of myself, but parenting brings out the confidence in me. When I put my Mama Bear hat on I feel like I can take on the world!”
As a single parent, what do you find are your greatest challenges?
Not having someone else to take over the reins when I need a break. It would be really nice if someone could entertain my little one so that I can go to the toilet on my own once in a while!
Being serious though, I do find not having another pair of hands to help out difficult. I often wonder how my friends make life and parenting look so much easier, when I feel like I am constantly flailing, but then I remember that there are two of them working as a team and I am just one person trying to do everything on my own.
Being a neurodivergent single parent adds a whole other layer of challenges. I find everyday things like remembering to take the bins out or pay the bills such a challenge. For most of my adult life I had someone else around helping to navigate these things, so I do find having to “adult” very challenging.
Also, money.
What kind of things help to lighten your load as a single parent?
When people offer to help and mean it. I go to a great gym where I can take my little one, and everyone works together to help out with him while I get my workout done. This may seem like such a small thing, but it makes me want to cry every time, because I do not have that kind of support anywhere else in my life (except when I visit my mum). I know that the playgroup parents would help with things like this if I asked, but my struggle is asking. I’m not great at asking for help, so when people just do it without asking, that is great!
What does community mean to you?
Community to me means everyone has care and support. We don’t have to be friends, but I do think that people have an obligation to support each other, because we are all just humans doing our best!
From your perspective, how can we best build understanding, awareness, and openness in our local communities? How can we better create inclusive, welcoming spaces?
“Simple things like reminding people that families come in all different forms can help, I think. People get so caught up in their own little bubbles that they can forget that life looks different for everybody. Making sure that there is support and resources for everyone, not just a particular group is important. I love it when spaces have lots of different books that represent all different families, not just rainbow families, but other cultures, and other family make ups, like children in care. Children are born curious and accepting I believe, it’s the grownups that need the help.”
How vital is the language we use, and use with children, when creating a sense of belonging and identity?
So vital. In our family we have a Mama and a Papa, which is not revolutionary, but people seem to struggle with this so much! It may not seem important at all to others, but my child started calling us Mummy and Daddy because other people kept referring to us as that. As non-binary parents this makes us both uncomfortable. So not only is my child confused and potentially feeling left out because people aren’t acknowledging his parents correctly, but we are also both being called the wrong names which is misgendering and causing harm to us.
It is seemingly small, every day microaggressions like this that can have a compounding impact on my child’s sense of belonging and identity. And I won’t even get started on the different tones and language that are used for my child when he wears a dress in public compared when he is wearing more “masculine” clothing.
What kind of spaces would you like to see more of, for families?
Open play spaces that are more able to meet the needs of children with high sensory needs would be great. Playgroup is great, but we are limited in the space, and on days where it is wet out and we still need to move, as a single parent I cannot afford to take him to Bounce or other play spaces like this, it would be great if we could come to a community space to play, as I know we are not the only family with these needs.
I would love to see more community spaces that help parents out with cleaning, cooking, and food banks. Money is tricky at the moment, and we are all time poor, so more space that offer a “village” for families that don’t have one would be great.
What kind of things would you encourage playgroups to consider when establishing their group? What guidelines or values would you like to see highlighted?
I would say be clear about who you want to attend and why. Some groups are not for everyone, and that is ok, because they are designed to meet the specific needs of the target audience.
I would also say that you need to make sure that the groups are accessible to those families. For example, some of the current playgroups require a monetary contribution and as a single parent this is a barrier to access for us.
“Love Makes a Family”- what other things make a family for you? What words come to mind when you think about family?
I would say not just love, but unconditional love and support. Kindness and community care are also part of what makes a family for me.
What are you most proud of as part of your parenting life so far?
Getting this far! I feel like my little one and I have overcome a lot of adversity in his short life, and I didn’t always feel like I was going to make it, but I have, and I believe for the most part we are thriving.
What feelings have you been reacquainted with since having your own child? Wonder? Surprise? Curiosity? Adventure? Contentment?
All of the above! Raising a child is wild and wonderful, and I feel like there is so much of all of these things every day. I also feel like it has reacquainted me with a thirst for knowledge. My little one asks the coolest questions and I love helping him find answers to the ones I don’t know.
Do you feel that it is important to hold onto the childlike version of yourself in some form?
Yes. Being a grown up can be so boring. I think we would all do a little better to hold onto childhood a little bit longer. I also feel that being neurodivergent means that I will hold onto some of my childishness forever because adulting does not come easy to me! A blessing and a curse!
What do you think your younger self would make of your life now?
I’d be a little confused because it is nothing like I expected, but also just so super happy that we got to have a child because I wasn’t always sure it would happen for me.
What was your childhood like? What early experiences had a positive impact on you? What helped to shape you?
I grew up in a single parent household with three older brothers so my house was a little chaotic! I was heavily into sports all through my childhood, and I believe this impacted my life positively. I would say that learning about teamwork from a very young age probably has a lot to do with my approach to life and community now.
In what ways do you view play as having a positive impact on a child’s life and development?
Play is so important. When I watch my little one play I am so conscious of the way that this is helping to inform who he is and how he views the world. I can see how he uses it to process things that are going on around him and uses scenarios that he has seen or experienced in his life in his play. My little one also has some pretty high sensory needs, so the way that he plays is very important in order to meet these needs, as if he isn’t able to do enough of the play that he needs it can have a detrimental effect on both of us!
What role does play have in your adult life?
“Play is also incredibly important to me – not only having time to play with my little one, but also having time to “play” on my own. Ezra and I connect through play and I can always tell when we have not been playing enough because everything is just a little bit harder!”
I also notice that not having a chance to play enough can have a very detrimental effect on my mental health. I have a few hobbies on the go right now – my favourites at the moment are gardening and weightlifting. If I haven’t done either in a while I notice that I am much more mentally flat and my patience much shorter.
Even as adults we connect through play. I love going home to my family and seeing how they all still play together. The kids all play with each other, but my older siblings are also still very close and playful. Our mum is very young, so we have been very lucky that she has always been playful, and that has continued into our adult years. It is not uncommon when we are home for my whole family, extended family, and my brother’s friends to spend full days and even weekends just hanging out together.
What inspires you?
My little one and my mum. My child is an absolutely wild child and he inspires me every day to try and be better for him. My mum is a force and I did not appreciate her enough as a child, probably like most kids!
You are part of our 2024 Playgroup Panel, exploring the topic The Evolution of Community Connections. What do you hope to share, give and gather as part of the early years event?
I would like to just emphasise the importance of creating safe spaces for families that aren’t your standard makeup. I feel like a bit of an imposter here as I don’t have the experience of the other panel members, but I hope I can still bring something of value to the table!
Learn more and connect with Rainbow Family Playgroup Melbourne here
Melissa will take part in Playgroup Victoria’s conference panel on November 20. Learn more here.
Article by Sinead Halliday